


Calling You

by moonflowers



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Pining, Sibling Incest, emotional Durins, slightly pretentious formatting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-24
Updated: 2013-10-24
Packaged: 2017-12-30 09:23:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1016912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonflowers/pseuds/moonflowers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili misses his brother. He misses what they had, and he misses what they could have in the future. If only he could just pick up the phone and tell him how much he means to him. If only it was that Goddamn easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Calling You

**Author's Note:**

> This just rocked up into my head more or less fully formed when a certain song (Calling You, by Blue October) came on shuffle while I was on the bus. I would advise listening to the song before reading if you don't know it, just so you have some idea what I'm on about. The lyrics are all taken from said song.

_There’s something that I can’t quite explain,_  
I’m so in love with you  
You’ll never take that away.  
And if I’ve said it a hundred times before  
Expect a thousand more,  
You’ll never take that away. 

-

 **To: Kili**  
Hey bro, just letting you know I got here safe. Now to unpack the boxes : )

 **To: Kili**  
So many boxes. Send help.

 **To: Kili**  
Seriously

 **To: Kili**  
Reminds me of when Thorin got a new TV and you cried cos you couldnt have the box ;)

 **To: Kili**  
And an hour later he was helping us build a fort with it.

 **To: Kili**  
Sorry. I just miss you guys already.

 **To: Kili**  
Goodnight little bro x

-

Fili wakes the next morning with that awful, unsettling feeling that accompanies waking up somewhere unfamiliar. His throat is dry and his feet cold from where he must have kicked off the blanket sometime in the night. Most unnerving of all is the silence. He finally catches up with himself when he sees the pile of cardboard boxes left in the corner, still full of his belongings, each labelled in black marker in Kili’s spiky handwriting. He’d helped Fili pack; or at least tried to – he’d gotten bored and wandered off before long. Despite the good intentions expressed in the texts sent to his brother last night, Fili’s actually managed to unpack very little. He finds he doesn’t quite have the heart; every familiar object looks foreign in this house that isn’t his home. He doesn’t think he can bear the finality of empty boxes.  
His new house is small, clean, and quiet, and so very different from the one he’s used to, full of family of varying ages and impressiveness of facial hair. But he has finally finished school and it’s time to make it on his own, despite his mother’s tearful assurances that he could stay with her forever. Besides, he’s found himself the job he’s always wanted. And that job required him to move almost 600 miles away. He’s grown up.

It sucks.

After a breakfast consisting of a bag of crisps left over from the car journey the day before, Fili eyes up the still very much packed boxes lurking on the floor. Deciding he can’t quite deal with delving into them yet, he grabs his coat and heads out in search of somewhere to go food shopping in order to put off the inevitable. The boxes may be full, but his fridge is empty. This is something he’s not used to; no matter how much food he and Kili could plough their way through, their mum always managed to replace it or whip up something else. Fuck, he misses her.  
His new house is fairly close to the centre of town, and it isn’t long before he shuffles in through the automatic doors of the first supermarket he sees. The familiarity of its bold logo’s kind of nice, in the absence of everything else safe and loved. Grabbing a basket, he immediately heads for the counter selling cigarettes. He was meant to be quitting, but... He wonders if Kili actually remembers to buy his own cigarettes now, now that he can’t scrounge Fili’s anymore. Probably not, he’s terrible with money and his memory is even worse.  
Fili wanders the aisles, not even sure what it is he wants to buy. He should probably get some fruit; he knows his mum would be less than impressed with him if he starts eating nothing but crap as soon as he’s moved out. And fruit doesn’t need cooking, which is a definite plus right now. Apples? Ugh, no. Peaches? Yep, peaches are good. He grabs the essentials without thinking; bread, milk, coffee, cereal, as well as the obligatory frozen junk. He’s just handing over money to the girl at the till when he sees the colourful display of sweets and chocolate they keep near the doors to entice shoppers into a last minute purchase. A woman snags a large purple bag of marshmallows from the stand, a firm favourite of Kili’s, and he has the sudden, irrepressible need to hear his brother’s voice. Thanking the cashier, he grabs his bags and awkwardly pulls his phone from his pocket, finding Kili’s number almost without looking. After a minute or so of empty ringing, it cuts to answer phone: 

_**“Yoooo it’s Kili, leave a message if you want”.** _

“Answer your phone you lazy shit. Are you still asleep? Ah, probably, it’s still before noon. I just wanted to talk... but I guess you’re busy. I’ll call again later. Bye.”

-

_Well I will keep calling you to see,_  
If you’re sleeping are you dreaming,  
If you’re dreaming are you dreaming of me? 

-

A week or so later, Fili sits down to write an email to Kili. Sure they exchange the usual texts and brief (and loud) phone conversations, but this is the only way he can get down all this thoughts before they get themselves half forgotten and tangled up and end up meaning something else completely. He’s never been great with words, or saying what he means. Also it somehow looks less stupid typed up than spoken out loud.

**Sender: Fili  
Recipient: Kili**

Hey.  
I didn’t think I’d actually miss you this much. It’s weird, but I really do. That sounded stupid and cheesy, I know, but I’m just trying to be honest. You’d better be missing me too you little shit, or else. Oh, before I forget, tell mum I love her and all that. I don’t really want to talk to her on the phone, you know once she starts she won’t stop. I would ask you to tell Thorin I said hi, but I should probably just give him a call myself anyway, he’ll want all the boring as fuck details about work and rent and bills and blah blah blah.  
Sooo, here comes the obligatory small talk. How’re your classes going? Are you even going to them, or are you just in a constant drunken haze with your housemates? I’ve seen the photos on Facebook – WTF were you doing with that girl dressed as Catwoman, by the way? Actually I don’t want to know. But be careful; don’t forget mum has Facebook. Next time you go out, have a drink for me, yeah?  
I still haven’t unpacked most of my stuff. It’s a bit of a ‘clothes all over the floor and eating out of packets over the sink’ kind of situation. Though I guess it’s pretty similar to how you’re living right now at uni, so I should man up and deal with it. Although I do actually have to go to work, and if I know you at all, you’re probably just sleeping through your classes. You better reply to this soon, or I will call up mum and tell her that you smoke.  
Lots of love little bro.

PS: It wouldn’t hurt to answer your phone once in a while you butt.

(He ended up deleting most of it before he clicked send.) 

-

_Well expect me to be calling you to see_  
If you’re OK when I’m not around,  
Asking if you love me,  
I love the way you make it sound,  
Calling you to see  
Do I try too hard to make you smile?  
To make us smile? 

-

Fili wakes in the middle of the night, sweating like a beast and twisted up in his covers. He groans in disgust and tries to kick them off as best he can. He’s always been a sprawler, and in sleep was no exception. The main benefit of living alone, he supposes, is the fact that he can be as naked as he likes without the fear of discovery. Not that he was all too bothered about it at home either – he usually slept in his underwear to retain some degree of modesty, but it was only mum and Kili anyway, and he suspects both have seen worse, as much as the thought troubles him.  
Usually, Fili was happy enough being single. He had his family who he saw every day (sometimes to his displeasure,) a large group of friends, and of course Kili. Always Kili. And the odd hook-up or hurried touches in the shower sorted his sex drive out nicely. But there are the odd times, such as this very moment, when he longs for someone else. Someone to curl up around him while he sleeps, even in this, quite frankly, fucking unbelievable heat, would be welcome.  
Loneliness is a foreign concept to Fili. He had grown up with his brother less than an arm’s length away at all times – from elbowing each other while side by side at their colouring books, to the long afternoons spent dozing in the living room in a pile of cushions on the floor, smoking under the ceiling fan, even though they knew their mum would give them a bollocking for it when she got back and smelt it. Well, that wasn’t quite true: she didn’t know Kili smoked, Fili had always claimed it was all him to save his brother from the glares he received every time he lit up. Even at night, when several walls and a bathroom had separated them, it brought him comfort to know he was close by, where he could look after him. Not for the first time, Fili wonders if things would be different if he’d bitten the bullet years ago and gone to a university further away, instead of living at home while he studied. It would have made the complete separation he’s going through now a whole lot easier.  
He sighs and flips over, trying to get comfortable on the impossibly lumpy mattress. It’s the first time he’s ever had a double bed, and instead of enjoying the extra space, it just feels empty. He glances at the alarm clock, and dreads the minutes slowly ticking away until he has to drag himself out of his uncomfortable bed to his uncomfortable chair at work.  
This life he’s living is everything he’s been planning for the past few months – good job, decent house, finally out on his own – so why does everything feel so royally fucked up?  
He tries not to think about his brother, and what he might be doing at this very moment. Failing miserably, he knows he won’t sleep until he finds out, and scrabbles around under his pillows until he finds his phone. He doesn’t need to look to find Kili’s number. 

_**“Yoooo it’s Kili, Leave a message if you want.”** _

“Kili, you never have your phone on you shit. I really fucking need you right now and your fucking phone is fucking off. I know it’s the middle of the night, but you’re so fucking far away and I hate it, I just want you here.”

I love you, little brother, why the fuck did I leave?

-

_You take away the old, show me the new,_  
And I feel like I could fly when I stand next to you,  
So while I’m on this phone,  
A hundred miles from home,  
I’ll take the words you gave and send them back to you. 

-

Work was... well, if Fili’s totally honest, work today was a bit of a blur. Blur is the wrong word; it was more of a slog. A seemingly endless day of tasks that he once would have relished the challenge of, but now felt empty and pointless. He’s desperate to leave every evening, but he doesn’t want to go home alone either. He never thought he could feel so unenthusiastic about a career path he loves. This job is meant to be the reason he’s here, but he feels thoroughly miserable and disheartened by it. He should be trying to make friends with his colleagues, but every time they ask him to go out for drinks or even just over a lunch break, he finds himself smiling and shaking his head. He used to make friends so easily...  
Pushing these less than positive thoughts from his mind, he falls onto his sofa for a nap before he picks up the phone to order Chinese. Annoyingly, all he ever feels like doing during the day is sleeping, and it avoids him like the plague during the night. Maybe he should try and get home for a few days, see his family, meet Kili’s new university friends... then he remembers that he’s only been away from home for just over two weeks, and growls in frustration at himself as he punches the sofa cushions into a more comfortable shape. Then he imagines the brilliant smile he would get from his brother if he turned up unexpectedly for a weekend, and thinks fuck it. It would be worth it.  
When he wakes forty minutes later, he has a raging hard-on, and he can take a pretty good guess at why. The entire world is fucked over. Nothing feels quite like it used to after you acknowledge you’ve got a hard-on for your little brother. His gut reaction is to reach down and touch himself, to relieve the pressure in his body and the aching want in his head. His hand brushes lightly over the tented fabric of his work trousers, but after a hiss of pleasure leaves him, he quickly draws his hand away. Shaking his head and calling himself sick, he heads for the shower. Unfortunately, that’s where his willpower ends, and ten minutes later, he’s washing his release down the drain. 

-

_I thought that the world had lost its sway_  
It’s so hard sometimes,  
Then I feel in love with you.  
You came in,  
and you took that away. 

-

He has Sunday off, and spends most of it sprawled in front of the TV, not really knowing what it is he’s watching. At one point he realises he’s been watching Star Trek for over forty minutes, though he’s never seen it before in his life. He doesn’t really remember eating, though he must have, because there are dirty dishes by the sink and empty packets on the counter. It’s about eleven at night, and it suddenly hits him how much of a twat he’s being. But that doesn’t mean he can do anything about it. There was really only one thing he could do, because he can’t go on in this sorry state forever. Maybe he’s sick, maybe he’s weak, maybe he should try harder to just forget. But forgetting wasn’t ever really an option.

-

_Well expect me to be calling you to see_  
If you’re OK when I’m not around,  
Asking if you love me,  
I love the way you make it sound,  
Calling you to see  
Do I try too hard to make you smile?  
To make us smile? 

-

 _ **“Yoooo it’s Kili, Leave a message if you want.”**_

“Kili? I really want to speak to you right now. Don’t worry, I’m OK, I just... just call me back, yeah? Bye.”

_There’s something that I can’t quite explain,_

“Kili, I know it’s late, but please, just pick up. I really fucking miss you, OK? I need to... I don’t know, hear your voice or whatever. Please call me.”

_I’m so in love with you,_

“I can’t do this anymore Kili, I can’t keep up this pretence that I’m so fucking happy, because I’m not. I am miserable, and it’s because you’re not fucking here. I need my brother back.”

_You never take that away._

“Kili for fuckssake answer your phone.”

_And if I’ve said it a hundred times before,_

“Actually, I don’t need my brother back. Well no, I do, more than anything. But I want more than that Kili, so, so much more. You are everything to me, you know that, I know you do. And I want you in every way possible. So sure, I want us to do shit like we used to before I left – do the washing up side by side, smoke under the ceiling fan, hold your stupid fucking wonderful hair back from your face when you get too pissed and spend the night vomiting in a bucket. But I also want to – I want to kiss you. I want to share a bed with you, to wake up with your head smushed into my chest and your bony elbow digging in my side. I want to hold your hand in the street and let everyone know that you’re mine, and I’m yours. And I think that about covers it. I love you, little brother.”

_Expect a thousand more,_

“Hi Kili. I – I’m really sorry about the messages I left on your phone last night. I was a little drunk and – no, that’s a lie, I wasn’t drunk. Just – moving out here, away from you all, was a big change, and I’m having a bit of a rough time. Do me a favour, just delete those messages, and forget about it, OK? I understand if you don’t want to speak to me for a little while. I – sorry. Bye.”

 _You’ll never take that away._

-

Fili opens his email more out of habit and boredom than anything else. There’s the unavoidable junk mail, recommendations from Amazon, and... nothing from Kili. But then, he did see some more vile photos of Kili doing unspeakable things at a party tagged on Facebook earlier, so it’s quite possible he’s feeling the after effects now. He’s suddenly irritated, and flips his laptop shut with a huff. Just as he’s about to take out his phone and text a guy from work to see if he’s up to anything, he feels said phone buzz in his pocket. Expecting some pointless notification from his service provider or some such, he’s taken aback to see it’s from Kili. After his ridiculous and over emotional messages a couple of nights ago, Fili’s been both dreading and longing to hear from him. He wasn’t really expecting to either, to be honest. He’s unsure of what the message would say, and if he even wants to know. But he opens it, of course he does. The few seconds it takes to load up feel an eternity.

 **From: Kili**  
I love you too.

-

_I’ll take the words you gave  
And send them back to you._

 

-

There’s a knock at his door. He’s been waiting for it, and he knows perfectly well who it is, and he can’t decide if he should be terrified or elated. Either way, he feels it takes an age for him to reach the front door, ears ringing in the thick silence.  
He opens the door, and just as he expected, there stands Kili, the beginning and the end of his everything, looking tired and devastated and hopeful and just plain happy to see him all at once. 

“Hello.”

His voice sounds thin and not his own. But something of him must be there, for Kili to be looking at him with the same old reverence that Fili’s pretty sure he doesn’t deserve.

“Hi,” Kili replies, and his voice cracks. “Can I come in?”

Fili wants to tell him sure, but he feels anything he could say right now would come out wrong, so he simply nods and stands aside to let Kili in. There’s a few moments of awkward smiles and shuffling and looking at the floor, and Fili’s not sure how much longer he can’t take it. He’s not even sure where he stands with Kili right now, because although his brother’s told him how he feels over the phone, it’s totally different now they’re face to face again and fuck has it only been three weeks since he left home?

“Kili, I – “

But whatever he’s about to say is cut off when his brother, his wonderful, impulsive, ray-of-sunshine brother, makes all words redundant by throwing himself at him and crushing their lips together. It’s far from elegant, but it’s close to perfect for Fili, who’s longed for this moment without realising it for so very long. So he does all he can do; flings his arms around his little brother and pulls him as close as he possibly can, breathing in the acrid tang of the numerous cigarettes Kili’s no doubt smoked on his way here, and kisses him back. Kili pulls back to breathe, and Fili hears the choked sob that leaves his brother’s throat and hugs him tighter, and Kili clings to him like his life depends on it. Their future is uncertain, of course it is, but Fili takes comfort in the fact that the two of them are as close as anyone could possibly wish to be, and he knows that in his arms he holds the most precious being in the entire world. They’ll be OK. 

-

_I will keep calling you to see_  
If you’re sleeping are you dreaming?  
If you’re dreaming are you dreaming of me?  
I can’t believe you actually picked me. 

-


End file.
